The last week has been particularly tough. I have been dwelling on my ex girlfriend and our break up much more than usual. It’s fair to say its made me into a blubbing mess. Ok, blubbing is OTT, but certainly I’ve been blubbing on the inside.
We actually broke up 3 months ago, and have had no communication since. I took the dramatic steps of blocking her on all social media channels, deleting her number and emails. But that hasn’t stopped me thinking of her everyday. I wake up each morning with the small hope that she will make an attempt to reach out. But there has been nothing. Crickets.
I have become so sad in the last week as its become abundantly clear she won’t be coming back. And so my general sadness, has turned into a really horrible feeling of rejection. Whats more, my mind is imagining her having moved on, being with someone else. Her being so happy with her new life. I know its not right, but that idea makes me physically ill to think about.
So in the last 3 months and especially in the last week or so, I have been extremely self destructive. Lots of booze, cigarettes, bad eating and drinking gallons of coffee. It’s not attractive.
But this isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this experience. Come to think of it, I’ve been going through this type of thing for quite sometime. If I look back at my life, I realize, I have had break up after break up since I was 16. With each one, comes a huge sadness, which I take into the next relationship. When I get into a new relationship I feel confusion at first, before I finally allow myself to commit, and then when the next break up comes about… the sadness is bigger than the one prior.
Does that make any sense?
I have been seeing a girl lately who is very sweet,beautiful and nice to me. I could throw myself into it, but I feel like there is something not right about that. I have felt guilty being in that situation. I feel my vulnerability is only making me attractive to her right now. Truth is, as I’m a blubbing mess on the inside, I am in no way to lead another girl on.
So yesterday I thought to myself, do I really need a girlfriend? Sure all my friends are getting married, and having babies. But do I really need a girlfriend now in my life? Lets be honest, I’m a hot mess right now – an emotional and physical mess. Can I go a year without chasing women and having my head get screwed up? Can I just be with me? Can I just look after me?
I don’t know.
But here goes.