Day 5: Deleting Tinder and Bumble

I’m leaving it too late to write the daily blog. Tired now. Excuse my likely scariness.

I slept pretty badly last night actually.  I couldn’t really get to sleep. I fell into that trap of watching endless YouTube videos. It leaves your mind crazy stimulated and its hard to switch off. Theres always something else you can be feeding your brain with.

My fix at the moment are interviews with Richard Burton. Don’t know him? Google him. Fascinating character. I think I see some of me in him. Minus the incredible acting ability, accent and rugged good looks. Well maybe I have the looks.

It’s interesting how loneliness kicks in the later the evening gets. Thats another thing that keeps you off. Not wanting to turn off the light and just be with you. Just why is that? Its obvious I suppose.

So I woke up slowly, and went for my morning ritual at my local diner where I had 2 hard boiled eggs and whole wheat toast. I always go to that particular diner because there is usually a busty waitress who I can’t help but look at. She can’t speak a word of English though. She’s reminds me of Sofia Vergara. Sadly she wasn’t working this morning. It’s ok. I could concentrate on the book I am reading better.

I had 3 coffees again  today. I really need to snap out of that.

I had a pretty productive day at work. It takes me quite a while to get going once I get to the office, sometimes as much as 2/3 hours. But once I do, I’m motoring.

My friend Liza messaged me to tell me how sad she was still feeling blue about her guy. I gave her the same advice I gave her yesterday. She seems unable to break the pattern she’s in though.

Ok, this blog is getting boring. Lets do some checks – Didn’t drink – Check. Didn’t smoke – Check. Went to the gym – Check.

Oh here is something. I deleted Tinder and Bumble from my phone  impulsively. There is too much a temptation these days to feel lonely and sad, and immediately go scrambling for companionship. And when you don’t find it, you feel worse. It’s interesting  that social media and dating apps only really go as far as to make you feel more lonely. You feel more left out while everyone else seems to be having fun. Lets face it, the only thing Tinder has ever thought me is that I’m the only person who has never been to Macchu Picchu.

We’ll see how long it takes me to re-download them.

All in all was an alright day. Adequate. Unspectacular. On with the show.

Nice to see the readership take a little spike yesterday. Comments and thoughts welcome.

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Day 4: My Friend Liza

OK, her name is not Liza… but in the interest of privacy and all that. Not that she’d ever find this. Although maybe I should send it to her.

I woke up this morning, and went to a local bar to watch the footy (soccer to US readers). I didn’t drink but I did have 3 coffees (need to kick my coffee habit), eggs and toast.

My friend Liza messaged me; she said she was feeling blue. Me and Liza had been going through dysfunctional relationships at the same time. We were both with partners that didn’t really seem to love us, but yet just kept us hanging on. I don’t know why I’m writing this in the past tense, as unfortunately her situation is still in the present. Since I’ve met her she has had her head toyed with by this guy, and she had allowed herself to be hurt by it. It’s an ongoing hurt that doesn’t end when your with someone that doesn’t care about you enough. It’s like your being constantly rejected, without the actual full on rejection. Ugh, that was me all the way.

I have given her the best advice I can give her, which is just to get out, but she seems unable to make that decision. I was exactly the same way for so long, so I can understand. But I do feel bad for her.

I need to inject some productivity back into my life. Heartbreak turmoil has really killed my motivation to do anything. Even when your with someone, you can find it hard to get motivated. After all – I have love, what else do I need? Alas when the love goes, you realize you have nothing at all. I need to really focus on putting that right.

That said,, today I managed to get a bit of work done today on a film script I’ve had in mind for donkeys years. Productivity – Check.

Got to the gym – Check. Ate well – Check. Didn’t drink – Check.

Check Check Check.

Can I get the check please?

I’m keeping a little Twitter account to go with this blog – http://www.twitter.com/projsingledom I keep on seeing tweets from people in the same boat as me. I guess there are always new singledoms in the world. Always people having their heart broken and trying to rebuild.

Nice to see a few people liking posts. Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment if your bored.

Anyway, Day 4 was a good one.

Day 3: Shave And A Haircut

Last night after work I was feeling more than a bit lonesome. I could easily have caved at that moment and drank. Instead I got myself home with my new Nintendo Switch (I’m a big kid). However I was still feeling contemplative and a tad sad once I got back. I laid in bed feeling glum.

After a while a friend messaged me. out of the blue. She said she was out for a walk since the weather was beautiful. Spontaneously I decided to invite her over to marvel at my new video game. To somewhat of my surprise, she obliged as long as I pulled no funny business (we have a bit of history, but she’s seeing someone now)/

She came over bringing pretzels, Coca Cola and M&Ms. Her company raised my mood completely. And she even went home without me making any moves. It’s amazing how some good friendship, and just some female company can go a long way to raising your mood.

One issues I’ll need to get over is that I’m a huge flirt. I love flirting with women. Probably one of the reasons I have never been able to make a relationship really work. I’m always looking around. As I get older I’m weary of coming across as a sleazy creep.

I woke this morning early and laid in bed for quite a while. My usual Saturday morning routine is to watch football with friends, but this Saturday morning I watched from bed. After that I tried to make some progress on Zelda. I haven’t played a proper video game for years, and so its fair to say, I didn’t do very well. My work colleague mocked me on Facebook for my slow progress.

After a shower I decided I had to get out. The day was glorious. In the 80s! I went to my local diner for lunch, and read some of the book I’m currently trying to get through.

I’ve got pretty hairy and unkempt of late, so it was high time for a shave and hair cut.

After  that I got home and spoke to a friend of mine living in Ireland. She went on about a date she had last night which she’s pretty excited about. She told me in great detail about how the night went down.

I’ve decided I am really going to try and work on my friendships in this bizarre crusade and talk to people a lot more. I’m pretty good as is for that, but I want to focus in more on them and their lives rather than always worrying about me.

I managed to get to the gym. It’s been a while. The workout made me feel pretty good. Must get back tomorrow.

So Day 3 is in the bag, and am feeling stronger and more positive. Hoping for much of the same from tomorrow.

Day 2: Bluesy Retail Therapy

I woke up this morning bright and early, but immediately fell into a lethargic unmotivated state that has been plaguing me lately. I contemplated not going into work and but finally managed to get out of bed.

My work colleague had  a mission to queue and buy a Nintendo Switch this morning. I thought to myself… I’m going to get me one of those too. That will cheer me up. Now I have it (and 500 bucks lighter), I’m wondering if playing video games alone is really going to lighten my mood.

Otherwise its been an ok day. Although its 5pm, and I already have a temptation to go for a drink and drown the sorrows away…

No! I should go home, go to the gym, play the Switch. Ugh… sounds dull enough I must admit. Very planned out. Never have been good for planning.

I’ve been drinking too much lately though, so really I should get into a pattern of being boring for a while.

 

 

Day 1: Is This Possible?

The last week has been particularly tough. I have been dwelling on my ex girlfriend and our break up much more than usual. It’s fair to say its made me into a blubbing mess. Ok, blubbing is OTT, but certainly I’ve been blubbing on the inside.

We actually broke up 3 months ago, and have had no communication since. I took the dramatic steps of blocking her on all social media channels, deleting her number and emails. But that hasn’t stopped me thinking of her everyday. I wake up each morning with the small hope that she will make an attempt to reach out. But there has been nothing. Crickets.

I have become so sad in the last week as its become abundantly clear she won’t be coming back. And so my general sadness, has turned into a really horrible feeling of rejection. Whats more, my mind is imagining her having moved on, being with someone else. Her being so happy with her new life. I know its not right, but that idea makes me physically ill to think about.

So in the last 3 months and especially in the last week or so, I have been extremely self destructive. Lots of booze, cigarettes, bad eating and drinking gallons of coffee. It’s not attractive.

But this isn’t the first time I’ve gone through this experience. Come to think of it, I’ve been going through this type of thing for quite sometime. If I look back at my life, I realize, I have had break up after break up since I was 16. With each one, comes a huge sadness, which I take into the next relationship. When I get into a new relationship I feel confusion at first, before I finally allow myself to commit, and then when the next break up comes about… the sadness is bigger than the one prior.

Does that make any sense?

I have been seeing a girl lately who is very sweet,beautiful and nice to me. I could throw myself into it, but I feel like there is something not right about that. I have felt guilty being in that situation. I feel my vulnerability is only making me attractive to her right now. Truth is, as I’m a blubbing mess on the inside, I am in no way to lead another girl on.

So yesterday I thought to myself, do I really need a girlfriend? Sure all my friends are getting married, and having babies. But do I really need a girlfriend now in my life? Lets be honest, I’m a hot mess right now – an emotional and physical mess. Can I go a year without chasing women and having my head get screwed up? Can I just be with me? Can I just look after me?

Can I?

I don’t know.

But here goes.